No Rush

Prior to becoming a licensed massage therapist, I spent 13 years of my working life as an emergency services dispatcher...aka 911 operator. Three of those years I was a supervisor with a mostly regular M-F work schedule. Almost all of the rest of my time in emergency services required me to work 12 hour shifts on rotating schedules. Rotating from days to nights, sometimes on a 28 day rotation. (I just kicked my Ambien addiction that this ridiculous work schedule necessitated.) To say these work schedules were stressful is severely under selling it. Then the actual work aspect of the job could be quite stressful too. Answering 911 calls and successfully gleaning all the important information from a person who could possibly be having the worst moment of their lives, and doing it in the fastest time possible is not always easy, and it's certainly not a job that just anybody can do. Everything about this job involved rushing. Rushing to answer calls by the second ring. Rushing to dispatch calls in two minutes or less. Meals were inhaled at the desk....between emergencies. Rushing to the restroom and hoping your absence was not missed much. I loved and hated this job. The best part of my time in 911, was learning some awesome life skills and working with some crazy good people. My time management skills are killer. Multi-tasking? Art form.  Some of the negative effects were my emotions had to be compartmentalized in order to not feel anything when I was taking a 911 call and my adrenaline rushes ruled my life. Don't hate me for saying this but trauma was what made my job exciting, it required focus, thinking on my feet and making split second decisions, it was a mad rush until the cop, firefighter, medic, dog warden, etc arrived on the scene of the incident.Ya know how hard is it to come to grips with knowing that someone's tragedy was your fun day at work? So my body starting telling me that we had to slow down and make some changes.



When our bodies are fed a constant stream of stress with no down time, our bodies will start to rebel. My body's rebellion was in the form of:
Sleep deprivation.
Migraine headaches.
Weight changes.
Mood swings.
Combative personality.
 
Relaxation was not in my daily routine yet. Competitive Go-getter. Goal oriented. Focused. This was what I knew intimately. When I reached a goal,  I began looking to the next goal, there was no rest for the wicked. Now when you are living in stress and all you know is stress, you really have no idea just how messed up you are....nor how stressed you really are. You may be perceived as negative or as having hard edges. You might feel like you are really misunderstood. A lot. In my case I was unaware of how tense I really was and how my sarcasm left folks wondering if I was a bitch or if I  just had a warped sense of humor.  I had no idea how to relax, to be okay with not always winning.  I was clueless as to how jacked up I was. I had no idea how to share my emotions, that had been bottled up for YEARS with 911 trauma. I knew I had to change but exactly how does one learn to "just be"? It was a journey.

When I got to massage school I was told that I was wearing my shoulders for earrings because my shoulders were always tensed up. I was told I had a hard look, someone not to mess with.
So Old Kim set a few goals to change this situation. lol
1. I decided I was not going to be as competitive and would not aim to get the best score in massage school (like I normally tried to do in all my other classes). I set a goal of just getting an A. I wanted to do well but I could be excellent without the extra pressure. Just taking that out of the equation was amazingly freeing. I started applying this to everything in my life. Be good but perfection was no longer my goal. Celebrate others when they win instead of beating myself up about losing. Although I still tend to want to win, I can totally walk away without being devastated when I am not top dog. 
2.  Start feeling again.  And to do this meant that I had to slow down, open myself up to truly feeling things again, which meant lowering my shields and exposing myself to hurt and pain as well as the beauty. Start of school I was not a big crier, when it happened it was shocking for all involved.
By the end of school I was a gushy mess watching Hallmark commercials. The only part I had to work out now was when to feel and when to shield. Another post.
3.  Be open to new stuff. Meet new people. Try to eat healthier food and have more water. Try alternative healing besides massage therapy. Also another post.

Goals achieved. Rushed right out and got two awesome jobs doing massage therapy and the rest is history. Just kidding. My professional life was doing great, my nurturing side was getting consistently better and my body gradually started relaxing, but I  still had stressful days of total chaos that were largely due to my personal life.  Old Kim was a fighter. She set another goal. She was stubborn and knew she could eventually fix this part of her life too.  But goals are a funny thing. You can also have term limits on those babies. Turns out mine was going to end one way or another in 2016....in January of  2016 I set a  new goal: I would have peace with or without a husband.  This was not a rushed decision. I waited 10 years. I won't say it was wasted because there were some great times over the years and I think it made me a better person in the end, but after the dust settled I can honestly say I am the most relaxed I have ever been and I have peace 99% of the time now.  Alas, without a husband.....but at least I met my goal. 😉

So remember all those problems I had due to stressors in my life?  I have gotten way better.  I am not sleeping 8 hours but I sleep without medication now.  Migraines that used to happen a half dozen times a month have been about a half dozen over several years and without medication. My weight is 139 at the moment. I got down to 129 but I have been in a glutton phase and have no shame in admitting I am eating carbs like a crazy woman right now. At my most miserable point I weighed 168. My mood swings are gone. My argumentative personality is also mostly gone.  If you stress me out or cloud me with negativity I will simply walk away. 

I still set goals but now I don't rush to make them happen.  I am more of a "let it happen" and "no big deal if things change" kinda gal these days. Some days I purposely miss a green light so I can listen to a great song on the radio. Some days I sit for hours on my deck without uttering a word. New Kim likes gazing at the moon, appreciating the pastel colors of winter sunsets, rolling on the floor with her furry babies.........and just being.