Why I Believe Her

I watched the SCOTUS hearings yesterday and felt like I needed to write, not because I think this SCOTUS decision is a pivotal moment in the history of our rapidly changing government, and surely another step in the direction of corrupting the judicial branch, but because I felt very raw and very restless after listening to both Ford and Kavanaugh. Raw and violated. I realized that I had felt this way before....when I was assaulted. 

I was not sexually assaulted, but I was physically assaulted and mentally abused. He was a police officer and his family was well-known and respected. He was a pretty likable, witty guy until he drank alcohol and then he was Jekyll and Hyde personified. At first he would just press his body against mine and keep me from leaving the room. Screaming an inch from my face, reeking of alcohol and cigarettes, he taunted me and held me against my will. I am not a passive flower so I fought back. I am not proud of my actions but at some point I could not take anymore abuse and I would come out swinging to get away from him. Sometimes he let me go and other times he continued berating me or destroying things in the house to make me hurt more. This continued until he passed out.  He was always so sorry afterward and would swear he would give up drinking and sometimes he would go months without drinking, but he never really quit and he would never admit he was an alcoholic...because he was not a daily drinker, he only "binged" occasionally. We were married 16 years when I finally decided to divorce him.

The divorce pushed him over the edge and he drank more to numb the pain. He began stalking me. He showed up at my apartment and was caught peeping thru my windows. He showed up at my workplace and watched me work. When he showed up at my place in full uniform, heavily under the influence of alcohol and busted beer bottles in my living room, I called the chief of his police department and reported the incident. Nothing happened to him. I moved to a new house. He broke into my new home, called me at work, from my home phone to tell me he was in my house and it was obvious that he was intoxicated. I called the police department and reported the break in and the vandalism (he smashed my phone to pieces). When the cops arrived he was drunk, sitting on my front porch swing. Instead of arresting him, they drove him home. I had his vehicle towed, the police released it to him without charging him an impound fee. They said he was not in my house when they arrived so they could not charge him with breaking and entering.

There were many more incidents but the final straw was when he would not let me get in my car to leave after an argument over his drinking. I smashed a bottle of whiskey in the driveway in an effort to keep him from drinking anymore that night. He grabbed me by my hair, slung me onto the hood of his police cruiser, injured my shoulder and back....and I lost some hair. Again I called the police to respond for domestic violence, and while I was on the phone with the 911 center, he threw a pair of scissors so hard that they stuck in a kitchen cabinet door. He was gripping the scissors so tightly that he cut his hand and bled on the kitchen floor. When the police officers showed up he claimed he had dropped the whiskey bottle and cut his hand, I was a crazy lying bitch and I refused to leave when he asked me. When I told the sergeant the truth and offered to show him the blood splatters on the kitchen floor, he told me that it was a he said/she said situation and if I insisted on them arresting my husband, then I would probably be arrested for domestic violence as well. I told him to arrest me and I would polygraph my way out of this mess, but he would not get away with covering up for his brother in blue anymore. Rather than arrest him, we were both issued domestic violence orders and  referred to district court. I was allowed to get in my car and leave. He was allowed to scream obscenities while I did so.

That night I decided I would need to fight back with a vengeance. I drove to the 911 center, a center that I supervised for several years, and asked to come in to call the police chief from one of the recorded phone lines. A former employee bent the rules and allowed me to have access to the restricted communications area. I called the police chief and told him what had happened that night. I told him of several other times that I had reported his employee's drunken, abusive behavior and I told him how each time that he and his officers had covered his messes up and never penalized him. When the chief started to give me the run around I told him that he should be aware that I was in the 911 center, on a recorded phone line, and if he failed to act this time I would have a recording of our conversation that I would be sharing with my attorney. This time my ex was disciplined....two weeks suspension WITH pay. We both were issued domestic violence orders but no more incidents occurred. My abuse was finally over.


So yesterday when Kavanaugh launched into his opening statement, yelling, crying and claiming how he had been victimized.....I saw my alcoholic ex.  When the judiciary committee apologized to him and told him what a quality judge he was.....I saw my ex and his fellow police officers covering for him. When I saw Ford's emotional testimony, I related to her....I saw myself.  I felt violated, angry, hurt and raw all over again. 

Then I heard good people saying that there is no way someone would wait so long to tell their story if they were traumatized, that it was merely a political stunt. I wanted to scream and ask them how the hell would they know unless they had lived thru something that horrific and could speak from personal experience. Telling authorities is not a guarantee that you will be believed, assisted, protected or cleared from suspicion. Telling your own sordid life story is hard. Nobody wants to talk about hurtful and demeaning events in their lives. Nobody wants to admit they placed their faith in the wrong hands. Nobody wants to admit they stayed in an abusive relationship or kept secrets about being abused.

I lived thru the nightmare of accusing a law enforcement officer of being abusive. My ex was hired and promoted for over 10 years before his corruption caught up with him....so to claim the background check would have found out about Kav's abuse is bullshit.  The "friends" who wrote letters on his behalf....the brotherhood is taking care of their own.  Ford's memory lapses....the mind compartmentalizes to protect you. I know how the system works and it is not always easy nor favorable for the victim. Coming forward takes courage. Speaking up is hard. Who would use an abuse claim to make headlines for themselves?

 Ford is courageous and I believe her.

A Little of This A Little of That

So right now I am taking a moment to share what kinda crazy few days I have been through...and eat a big ass chocolate doughnut, because right now is not one of the good moments I will discuss later. Right now my friggin basement is flooded AGAIN. I just did 3 hours of massage and had some really amazing results, was feeling jazzed, and then the monsoon hit. When the heavy rain started, I began preparing for this probable event by moving rugs and furniture away from the flood zone. Sadly it still wasn't enough to keep the water away from my rugs completely. So I drug the rugs to dry land and then I shopvac'd 25 gallons of water out of the basement and began washing towels and rugs. To say my 54 year old body is exhausted is an understatement. Did I mention that I did 6.5 hours of massage yesterday? Understatement. Not loving Mother Nature right now.....

....but I still found time to admire her handywork.

She's like me, short and chubby but cute.

And you knew I had a few of the Moon....

I love the glow, the rings and aura.

Also my stint on jury duty was fabulous. Last week I scheduled less massage appointments, on the off chance that I would be required to report for jury duty. Luckily I only had to report one day last week and only had to reschedule one client. This week is my final week on jury duty.  It also happens to be the week before I leave for vacation. I am booked solid with a waiting list and really need to work this week since there will be no pay when I am at the beach next week. So I really needed to not be called for jury duty this week. I was constantly looking at my schedule and fretting about the possibilities. Then I asked the universe to help me. I asked to be free of this burden. I asked to not serve on jury duty if at all possible. If I did have to serve to please help me keep my clients on their scheduled appointments because I had no place to move them due to my vacation.

So Friday, when I reported for my first day of jury duty, the judge informed us that we had been part of an odd juror cycle, in that the judges all had a three-day convention of some sort that had kept them from having trials that week. She also said that it was looking like we would not be needed at all next week either, but that we should check in daily to confirm that. So Sunday night I called the juror notification line and found out that jurors were not needed this week and that my service was complete. Thank you for your service!

Locked Out

(Kim’s backstory for context) I hope you read that like a whispering narrator...because that is how I just heard it in my head. Yes, it is one of *those* kind of posts.

My ex and I never locked any doors at our house, our office was like Fort Knox, but our house was wide open for anybody. After 17 years of living without locks, it was my routine....until I became a single woman again. I was so paranoid about someone being able to lie in wait for me, in my unlocked house, that I began locking my doors, windows, deadbolts, added two security lights with motion sensors, invested in more window treatments, and applied a brace for my sliding glass doors. I feel much safer now so please let me remain under this delusion.

The brace for the sliders is what has gotten me locked outside on my deck twice now. The first time Oni hit it just right to drop it into the door tracks and lock me out. My neighbor has a spare key and was good enough to rescue me. Today I forgot about that stinking brace and locked myself and Oni on the deck again. Luckily I was locked out with the essentials...a cell, good book and some adult party favors. Hummingbirds also kept me company. So here is my being bored on my deck and waiting for my rescuer to arrive:

Perfect Day Off

This morning I got a new sassy haircut from my good friend who owns a salon. Yes, lucky me! I have a friend who does hair, massage and skincare and we swap services on a twice monthly basis.  This picture was taken after many games of cornhole so trust me when I say it looked amazing earlier today.

I went to lunch at Taco Tico. Guilty pleasure that I love love love to indulge.

I played cornhole with friends and didn't suck.

I saw an osprey flying overhead with a fish in its talons.

I took some awesome photos of Sister Moon.

Chef No

Last week I found a recipe online for pumpkin cream-puffs and it sounded amazing, but so out of my baking comfort zone, I immediately thought of my step-mom, Nancy. She is an AMAZING baker! So when we went to lunch and I begin telling her about the recipe she asked me if they were good. I explained that I had not tried them yet. She then asked me if I had tried to make them. Now for any of y'all that know me, you know I have a very limited skill set in the kitchen. So as soon as Nancy asked if I had tried to bake them, both my dad and I exploded into laughter. I looked at Nancy and said "Aww, thanks for thinking I could actually do it! Truth is I actually had to dust my stove off this week....been a while since I used it."

Also this week I was really craving some milk to go with my pastry. I looked at the date on my half gallon of milk and it said best used by AUGUST 13. To say I have been eating out a lot might still be an understatement.