Holding Space

We help each other by holding space for each other, by giving the energy of our attention to the pain and struggle of another human being.

“A healer does not heal you. A healer is someone who holds space for you while you awaken your inner healer, so that you may heal yourself.” ~Maryam Hasnaa

I recently read an interesting piece, The Importance of Holding Space By Helen Avery
In the piece she tries to explain what holding space for someone really means.  She writes from her yoga training perspective, but I wanted to touch (pun intended) on it from a massage therapist's point of view. Holding space.......tough to put a finger on it and offer up a complete definition, but here goes!

Doing nothing while still absolutely supporting someone is an aspect of holding space. In my world this can come from emotional and/or physical pain. Sometimes when a pelvis is tight and the client is not able to relax, I simply hold their sacrum in my hand, take on the weight of the body that the sacrum normally stabilizes, and allow the restricted parts of their body an opportunity to relax with a timeout.  I hold that space until it is ready to take back on the body-weight, when the muscles are relaxed and ready to get working again, and the bones are more in alignment. Sounds fairly easy, but the client has to be able to release their body and allow it to unwind.  Most folks do not even realize how much tension they are holding UNTIL they finally let go and the wave of ahhhhh rolls over them. But in this space, I do not try to force the body to change, I do not try to fix the body, I hold space and the body fixes itself. 

We may call it different things but we can hold space emotionally too.  Ever have a friend come by and just purge their every thought about the problems they are having? They didn't ask for advice so you do not offer any. They just need to be heard without fear of being judged or feeling like they are inadequate, so you just listen. You offer them a safe place to vent, to cry, plot the murder of their ex,  to just let go. You held their space so they could let go of all that stress, anger, hurt, pain.....and then they come back in a better place. In massage, emotional pain can be attached to physical pain, so releasing the emotional component can sometimes help the physical release. Here is a lovely example:

I was working with a lady who came in for a relaxation massage and she didn't list any areas of pain, so I was just doing a general Swedish massage on her, when I found this tremendous knot on the back side of her right leg. I asked her if she knew how she had gotten this knot and she explained that she was running through an airport trying to catch a last minute flight to go see her brother and she hit herself with luggage and tripped. Then she laughs, sniffles while laughing, and tells me that her brother was dying and it was her last chance to see him alive. She said she remembers him every time that she has pain in her leg and thinks it was his last brotherly dig before he left the world. And then it happened. Her leg relaxed. The knot released. She had a deep sigh and then she was back from 2 months ago when she lost her brother, and back with less pain.

Support with balance and trust is another part of holding space. I can gently remind clients to not hold their breath or to try to relax and let me have a body part, but sometimes it's harder to do than you  might think.  Take me for example. I get regular massages, I stretch, drink water, and am overall a fairly flexible person. For most of my life I had no clue that I was constantly clinching my butt cheeks for stability. My hips are hyper-mobile so I can bend like nobody's business, but with all those loosey goosey moves, the trade off is core stability issues. I had been clinching for so long it was normal, a pattern. The first time a therapist held my sacrum was profound. It took me a couple of minutes to relax and figure out how to give my body to her, but then it washed over me. It felt like my pelvis dropped six inches into the table and my body REALLY relaxed. She didn't try to push my body in any direction. She just held me, supported me and let my body heal naturally. We worked as a team, we were balanced. She trusted my body to tell her what it needed and I believed she could help me restore myself.

This practice is uncomfortable for a lot of people. It is not natural for most of us to sit with silence or not offer opinions and advice, touch or hug, when we are trying to show support for someone. Opening yourself up to feeling these things can be tough too, because it makes you take a good look at how you process your own stuff. You may find there are things you would like to change about yourself, how you relate to others. If you can allow yourself to try it once, you will open yourself up to a whole new way of thinking and feeling. Mindfulness. Acceptance. Unconditional positive regard. Check-ins with yourself and others. Really letting go. Being present. 

All good stuff. Tip of the iceberg.