Random Thoughts

When I started charging my customer’s credit card the machine began prompting me with messages. Question THREE was English or Spanish? Wouldn’t that maybe be a better Question One? Language matters.


Today I was looking around my bedroom and I went into my cosmic wormhole of truths mode. This is what I call it when I do deep thinking. Hmmm I really am changing the sheets today. Geez it’s not like it matters. Just me, Brutus and Oni and they don’t mind. Wow it has been two years of living like this. Holy shit it has been almost a year since I have had sex with someone besides myself!
(Starts stripping the bed)
I look up and see cobwebs in the rafters over my bed. Well nothing could have just slammed that point home any better.....
So I put fresh sheets on my bed. I cleared out the cobwebs. I cleaned up my space. And then I shaved off my winter coat. I cleaned up my space.



I was texting with my friend in Colorado and she had complained about how laid back rules were, she said it would drive me nuts.   I texted “I would probably be stoned and not care.” 😑

Meet My Alter Ego

Do you know what the biggest problem in my life is?  I have a brain and I choose to use it.  Just slightly less problematic than having intelligence is that I have a mouth and I choose to use it.  Some of those times are when most brainy folks would remain quiet. Now, when you combine Problem 1 and Problem 2 with a volatile situation, you get to meet my alter ego,  Sarcastabitch.  Sarcastabitch of House Quick Witted and Sharp Tongued, whose motto is "Sarcasm flows fast, keep up!" Sarcastabitch is a bit unconventional....think Wonder Woman meets Deadpool.

Like other super-heroines, Sarcastabitch has her own unique skill set/ super powers. She can deliver sarcasm faster than a speeding bullet.....although sometimes her sarcasm hits dullards and the whole brain exploding thing works just like they were hit with a speeding bullet.  Sarcastabitch also has the ability to read minds.  Well, maybe not down to their grocery list, but certainly she can tell whether the gerbil fell asleep at the wheel or if he got his paws on some caffeine and is running for the Rodent Gold Medal.  Lastly, she is empathic and sometimes gets glimpses of the immediate future, which can really give her the upper-hand in a battle of wits.

Just like her sisters in arms, Sarcastabitch has weaknesses as well.  She tires easily when she is in a battle of wits with an unarmed opponent.  One would think a short battle would be better, no?  All too often it is game, set, and match in a single zinger....then poor ole Sarcastabitch is left with an inordinately large supply of sarcasm and no place to dump it.    Sarcastabitch also has a very low tolerance for ignorance.  When she is surrounded by stupidity, her Resist Disease Stats (My name is Kim and I was an Everquest junky) are lowered and her mouth can sometimes speak what her brain knows is true but should not be spoken aloud.  Rudeness is intolerable to her.

Recently Kim was having a wee bit of stress and decided to make light of her situation by posting a sarcastic status on social media.  Unfortunately this comment was read but not understood by her least dreaded foe, Drama Whore.  (Drama Whore had been disguised as one of Kim's online friends so they were able to keep an eye on her activities)   Drama Whore, the evil villain that hails from House Shit Stirring and Cowardice, whose motto is "C U Next Tuesday", failed to comprehend sarcasm and humor--despite the fact that many other people liked Kim's post and some others offered a few of their own witty comments about Kim's status update.  Nope, Drama Whore only saw Kim was stupid and set out to prove just how stupid she was for disagreeing with his opinion. He set out to recruit other small minds to his cause.  Anonymous answered the call.

Anonymous is Drama Whore's evil side-kick.  Ever notice how many nasty or evil internet posts are signed "Anonymous"?  That asshole is everywhere!   Drama Whore and Anonymous love the internet because it allows them to slander and tell lies without ever having to face the good people they are trying to destroy.  But on this particular day they decided to cause problems for Kim.  Not knowing this was Sarcastabitch's alter ego, Anonymous and Drama Whore launched an attack on Kim.  Drama Whore sent Kim a private message laced with statements that might be attributed to someone with a Napoleonic Complex aka Little Man Syndrome.  And grammatically speaking....it read like Rainman... on crack.

So just to be polite (one of the best ways to thwart bullies, by the way), Sarcastabitch responded to Drama Whore's message, but only after Kim found a different email account since Drama Whore blocked Kim from replying to the message via social media....but I digress.  Sarcastabitch attempted to explain what this weapon of mass destruction aka sarcasm really is.  She thanked him for the note and told him if there were future encounters it would not be as pleasant the next time. Then without breaking a nail, Sarcastabitch did a wee bit of friendscaping and sent Drama Whore and Anonymous back to their lonely land of Shit Stirring and Cowardice.

For those of you who were reading closely....Yes, earlier I did say Drama Whore is Sarcastabitch's  "least dreaded foe".  Why?  Because Drama Whore only has power when surrounded by other miserable beings that, unlike Sarcastabitch, choose to use their mouths.... without choosing to use their brains.

Disclaimer:  This story is a work of sarcasm and should not be associated with any real super heroes, either living or dead.  No animals were harmed while writing this piece.

Talks with Papa Joe

...always make me smile.  We talked about March Madness which is my dad's favorite time of the year. We discussed how many upsets had went down and how poorly UK played. He snarked some about Coach Cal....."still not sure about him" was Dad's comment.  Translated:  Coach Cal is not a great coach and his embracing of the one and done has ruined college basketball. My comment was he talked too much like a used car salesman.  Translated:  He is no Pitino when it comes to  discussing strategy and really doing bench coaching. I told Dad that I was done this year. He said "BUT YOU ARE A DUKE FAN....and they almost made it."  Thinking almost is the most important word in that sentence......

I asked him if he watched Stormy Daniels on 60 Minutes.  "Why lawzee no! They are both liars and why would I want to listen to either one of those nasty people?  Did you watch it?"  I told him I had to agree with him but I watched it because the orange idiot loves good ratings and I wanted him to know millions of folks watched her talk about how bad sex with Trump was. Papa Joe chuckled.

We then talked about Dexter passing away. I told him how he had laid down to sun himself and just decided "I think I am done" and died peacefully.  Dad said "I hope that's how I go.....just not anytime soon because I have reservations for later...... much later."

Saturday Saturday

This morning I met a good friend at the rock and gem show. We made the rounds and had spent a bit of money when we happened upon an artist and his interesting copper and recycled auto paint exhibit. I was totally flirt bantering with him....he was an artsy/brainy brunette...what's not to love? A name.
A name that is the same as your ex.....and his name is about as uncommon as it gets. I flashed his business card to my gal pal and said "Look at his name. Fuck that shit!"

Another gal pal has got me hooked on a Netflix original series: Rita  It's Danish, as in you should be prepared to read subtitles, Danish. If you like gritty, humor and really interesting characters then I highly recommend this show.  Especially for teachers! Since I have zero interest in March Madness these days, I see binge watching Rita in my future. So far I understand Morn, Tock and Hi Hi. Ala Trump, I am practically fluent.

Yesterday I mowed my front lawn. It was crazy tall already. Today I shoveled a wintry mix off my porch and ramp. My lawn is covered in snow and ice. This winter is like the Rocky Balboa of Winter, it just will not go down without a tremendous fight.

RIP Dexter Lee

This morning I fed Dexter and pet him and told him "You poor old boy" like I do most mornings. This afternoon Dex laid down on the sunny spot of my handicap ramp, and appears to have passed away quite peacefully at the ripe old age of 19. He lived life totally oblivious of his circumstances, I can only guess he greeted death with "Hey there is some kind of shiny light!" 

 RIP Dexter Lee. You will be missed.

Snow Day Part Deux

Oni and I like to sit by the window and watch birds. For different reasons....obviously.

Winter is not ready to let Spring happen.

I took a snow day today. What I mean by this is that I cancelled my out-call this morning so I could truly appreciate this day.

Snow has always fascinated me. I love the intricate details of the individual snowflakes. I love the science of it. How temperature variances of a degree or two can totally change its consistency, appearance, how much destruction, if any, it can cause.  Because it is a rarity in the south, I think when we are graced with snow, its beauty demands appreciation.

In case you cannot see the beauty.....

Spring is officially here but today is like Lady Winter, clinging to her last breath, before yielding to the Spring Maiden, gave up the last of her magic and left us with one final snowfall.

Today Was Magical

....in that

UNC lost today. SUCK IT TARHEELS! With Arizona and Virginia already gone, it appears the basketball gods are smiling on UK. Go Cats!

I did four massages today, one with my favorite kid client. Before y’all go and tell me I can’t have favorites, he.just.is. We have worked together since he was 9 yrs old and he always asks me interesting questions about anatomy. Today, while I was massaging his neck, he asked me if I was ambidextrous. He understood that my hands were moving in unison, and he had determined this by how they felt on the back of his neck, as he could not see my hands. It was impressive enough that he knew what being ambidextrous meant, but to reason and recognize it in the flesh was impressive.

Then tonight I got down on my back and rolled around, growling and pawing with my furry boy Brutus. We barked, grrr’d and yipped for a couple of minutes and I have to say it was pure joy. I can see why dogs do it!

And finally, sleeping with the windows open. Good night.

Soothing the Beast

.....is a necessary function for me.  I need quiet. I need peace. I need alone time...not always but certainly some. I need human contact...not always but certainly some. 😁  My needs are met most days and I have very little drama or anger... most days. But my peaceful life did not just happen overnight.  In fact, I truly only found this peace in the last year. Here is how it happened.

Two years ago my ex moved out. ( It was strongly suggested he move out.) He moved to Wisconsin but he kept coming back every month or so to work here. At first I was miserable and lonely when he left and happy to see him when he visited.  I didn't sleep well, alone in my house, so insomnia conspired to make me miss him more.  The house seemed too quiet so I had the TV on all the time for background people noises. I spent a LOT of time with friends and family. The ex and I chatted on the phone most days. I was lonely.

But then a few months passed and a funny thing happened. The nights of crying myself to sleep stopped. I took Ambien and I slept just fine. I replaced the television noise with silence or music. I started journaling and meditating. In my quiet time I did a great deal of self-reflection.  I grew. I began to enjoy my own company and spent less time with family and friends. I was social but I started craving my alone time. Phone calls and texts with the ex were fewer. I didn't look forward to his visits; they were disruptive to my quiet, peaceful existence. 

People commented on how I was so stressed when he was in town and how happy I was otherwise. I stopped his visits to the house. I smudged my house. I threw out his shit that he left behind. I quit sleeping on "my side of the bed" and spread eagle'd in the middle of the bed with a dog on one side and a cat on the other.  I reclaimed my peaceful house and I am determined to keep it that way.

So I soothe the beast.  I try to have some time every day of just silence, whether it is admiring a beautiful moon, watching hummingbirds on my back deck, or just sitting by the fire with my critters, I make sure to get a bit of it daily.  Quiet reflection allows me to really look at myself and how I interact with others. I really try to be considerate and feel more empathy for others now. In the face of controversy, more often than not, I decide inaction is the best course. A little less talk and a lot of inaction is my motto! Anger and hurt still creep in occasionally, but since most of my time is positive and peaceful, I can move away from the stress and go back to my happy place.

I highly recommend it.

My Mind is a Gutter

I was working with a long-time client and while I was working on his forearm he casually mentioned that he used to have a really big muscle "right here" and then he touched his pronator teres.  (This muscle pronates or turns and flexes the forearm.)  Client asked me if I had any idea how a young man would get such a big muscle there... and my mind went to the gutter. I tell him that I have an idea but I would rather not say. Client looks at me confused and tells me to say what I am thinking. Sheepishly I say "Self love?".  My client starts cracking up and says "MILKING COWS!"  Oops!

Snow Day!

Oni checking out snow for first time.

Sidewalk shoveled at 7:30!