Noticings

I learned the word "noticing" in massage school. It's kind of abstract and leaves itself open to individuals having their own interpretation.  For me it means something or someone reveals itself to me, and by revealing it/their self to me I am able to see things or people on a deeper level.

I'll give you some examples:

While I was hung up on the second sentence in this post, I had a noticing. I noticed that I was feeling constricted and decided it had to do with the fact that I was wearing a bra. After removing my bra I found I could breathe easier and my writing resumed.

My client had a very tight neck and her shoulder muscles were rigid when I palpated them. I had a noticing. Her scapulae were winged out. I decided to massage around her pecs and sternum to see if releasing these muscles could help relax the ones that were causing her pain.

 
Okay, maybe those aren't the best examples but by the end of this piece, I hope the meaning is revealed to you.

Today is Easter and it was highly unlikely that my family was going to get together this year, so I went ahead and booked a client for a 2 hour massage. I rationalized if we did visit it would be after church so this massage appointment was not going to keep me from anything important later. And as I predicted, there was too much life happening for us all to get together. So Manic Kim came to visit after my client left. Almost magically, or basically right after my coffee kicked in, I Marie Kondo'd the ever-loving shit out of my basement.  I bagged up the goodwill clothes that had been sitting in my papasan chair for many weeks. Then I decided I wanted to get rid of the tiles that had been sitting under my staircase for years, so I tossed them in the bag with the goodwill clothes, because I had a noticing. I took the goodwill donation out of the equation after I rationalized that it was easier to put this stuff out on the curb with the garbage (and let's face it, outside a pair of jeans this heaping pile of clothes was nothing special) and then I proceeded to toss all the downstairs junk into a heavy duty contractor's garbage bag with the clothes and tiles.  It felt so good to be cleaning on Easter. Renewal. Spring cleaning. Feeling joy. Then I had another noticing.  I noticed that big ole bag of my rejection was too stinking heavy for me to carry it to the curb. I noticed this when my back and arms and legs and neck all screamed AWW HELL NO! 

Moments With Cam

Last weekend Cam was hitting golf balls off a tee in their backyard. Mind you he has been doing this since he was two years old, so he is ahead of the curve. When he allowed me to take a turn, it was the first time I had ever tried to hit a ball from a tee....my experience was with putters on mini golf. So I whacked the ball and sliced it to the right. Cam looked at me and said "You're not very good are you?". 

When I was babysitting Cam yesterday, he climbed up in my lap and asked for a massage. I started rubbing his back through his pjs and he told me I couldn't really get his back like that so he politely slid off his shirt and I continued.  After a few minutes he thanked me for his massage and as an afterthought he said "My mom is not a real massager like you, she's just a nurse."


As we were walking to the ball field another little boy had discovered a very interesting plant that grew in a coil form and it had somehow managed to pop up thru a crack in the sidewalk. The kid asked his dad what it was....Cam answered him instead.  Without missing a step he said "It's a weed."  The kid, unconvinced, turned to his dad and again asked what it was that he had been lucky enough to find. Cam stopped walking, turned and looked at his teammate and said "I TOLD you... it was a WEED."  He shook his head as we walked off.


Most of my day was spent really taking care of the 8 month old granddaughter yesterday, so when she was napping I pulled Cam into my lap and told him "I am gonna steal some sugar from you because I have not had any of your good sugar today" and then I pecked him on the cheek a couple of times. Cam turned around, threw his arms around me and said "I am gonna steal some sugar from you because I haven't had any of your sugar either" and he gave me a kiss.


We were having Fazoli's for supper last nite and when Cam noticed that our partially eaten breadsticks were the same size, we both picked our sticks up and at the same time we touched breadsticks and said "CHEERS"

Cam Moments

When I was watching the grandbabies recently, Cam went to the kitchen and came back to sit beside me and watch tv...with two individual cups of Pringles.

Cam: (drops one of the chip cups in my lap) I got you one too, Mimi.

Me:  Well thanks but Mimi isn't really hungry right now.

Cam: (Pats me in the wrist)  You can just take that home with ya.



While we were watching a show about dinosaurs, one character yelled "What in the world was that?" and Mimi being silly yelled back at the TV "It's a T-Rex!".  Cam raised up, wrinkled his brow and said "He can't hear you...." then leans back and shakes his head.  I don't know whether I should or shouldn't be offended that a three year old thinks he is mentally superior to me right now.



(Walking into Chik-fil-a)

Cam:  What you gonna have Mimi?

Me:  I think I am going to have a chicken sandwich and a big Diet Coke.

Cam:  I think I will too.

Me:  You like Diet Coke?

Cam:  Yeah....it's not good for ya, but yeah.


Mimi's favorite little boy genius.

Self Reflection

noun: self-reflection

1. meditation or serious thought about one's character, actions, and motives.

For the past three years, I have spent a lot of my time doing this.  I mean after two failed marriages (both I chose to end), a son who is an addict, with tendencies of someone suffering from narcissistic personality disorder (my two years psych lol), and my very blunt and sometimes too honest side...
Who better for some fine tuning?

What I have learned:

Living alone is very serene. At first it was awkward and scary, but after the initial shock to my system wore off I began craving my solitude. I went from roaming Walmart and Costco just so I could be near other humans to avoiding crowds because they annoyed and overwhelmed me with all the inane small talk and phoniness. Living alone is also empowering. I now know how to change filters in my furnace. I have dug a grave and buried a pet. I have become a master at removing standing water from my basement. I am definitely more self-reliant these days.

I am a very sarcastic person and my sense of humor can be misinterpreted very easily.   A friend was complaining about another friend being so negative and as an afterthought she said "You're negative but you're funny so I don't mind you!".  I was dumbstruck. I had never considered myself negative.  I went down the cosmic wormhole of truth and looked at myself and then I looked at how others interacted with me.  If you ever wonder about whether you are perceived as good or evil, nice or jerk, honest or phony, just take a peek at your timeline on Facebook...and not the recent stuff, go back several years. I did and found that for several years  I posted a lot of funny, but fairly aggressive memes about a variety of things. I posted a lot of sarcastic comments and though I use sarcasm to make light of unpleasant situations, it can still come off as negative to some people (like my friend).
I had never really considered this a form of negativity, yet...it was.  When I looked at those sarcastic memes, I found my friends liked the negative memes a lot more than when I posted happy things. You attract what you put out, so I changed this part of my life too. The only negative things I post are things that resonate with me personally or have affected me in some way. I do not comment on a lot of posts online anymore because I do not like drama and it is no longer important for me to be involved in conversations that I know are toxic and negative.  Rest assured that I read that crap, I simply choose to ignore it and not let it annoy me anymore. Unsolicited advice? If you read your older posts and they are negative, and then you read your recent ones and they are negative, and you are still being misunderstood by friends, family and co-workers....self reflection is highly recommended and the results are highly enjoyable and drama-free.

No response is a powerful response. In the past if someone attacked me you can bet your last dollar I was right in the middle of that argument before the ink dried. You never had to worry what I was thinking because I was going to tell you with some colorful words and hand gestures.  Now I follow the Papa Joe playbook...I finally learned to choose my battles. Instead of arguing I sit quietly and think about the reason that this person could be directing their negativity and anger toward me. I know that their actions have more to do with themselves and their beliefs than whatever has them so stirred up with me at that moment. More often than not I simply do not respond. This keeps me from escalating the situation, keeps me from saying things or doing things that I might later regret, but most importantly it leaves the aggressor unsure of what comes next.

Unsolicited advice is not always welcome.   The old Kim would have jumped right in on the bashing of a friend's husband, boss, mother-in-law, etc  I would have offered you a dozen scenarios to help you right the wrong done to you. The new me sits and listens and tells you how sorry I am that you are going through this terrible time and will only offer assistance or advice when I am directly asked what my opinion is. I refuse to get involved in he said/she said or gossiping and tattling anymore. I also have no desire to be around people who think this is acceptable conversation and I try to limit my time around these folks too.  Seeing a pattern? lol

Society does not dictate my life.  I used to worry what other folks thought about my life. I wanted to be the best and wanted to be good. I felt guilty about a great many things. Now I live my life for me and me alone. If I want that extra sauce and a side of beef to go, I don't worry too much about how many pounds it will pack on me. If I want to eat out 7 days/week I do. If I am not into something I say so. I wear pjs a lot. I swear a lot. I dabble in magical things, which means I don't hide my gifts anymore. I share them instead. I shoot squirrels with my pink bb gun. I no longer feel tremendous guilt for some of the hard choices I have had to make. Life is pretty good when you let go of all that pretense and just simply live.
Of course I could go on, but this gives you an idea of what my definition of self reflection is about. I challenge you to look at yourself with open eyes and an open mind, try that Facebook review and I promise you will see things differently.