Why I Believe Her

I watched the SCOTUS hearings yesterday and felt like I needed to write, not because I think this SCOTUS decision is a pivotal moment in the history of our rapidly changing government, and surely another step in the direction of corrupting the judicial branch, but because I felt very raw and very restless after listening to both Ford and Kavanaugh. Raw and violated. I realized that I had felt this way before....when I was assaulted. 

I was not sexually assaulted, but I was physically assaulted and mentally abused. He was a police officer and his family was well-known and respected. He was a pretty likable, witty guy until he drank alcohol and then he was Jekyll and Hyde personified. At first he would just press his body against mine and keep me from leaving the room. Screaming an inch from my face, reeking of alcohol and cigarettes, he taunted me and held me against my will. I am not a passive flower so I fought back. I am not proud of my actions but at some point I could not take anymore abuse and I would come out swinging to get away from him. Sometimes he let me go and other times he continued berating me or destroying things in the house to make me hurt more. This continued until he passed out.  He was always so sorry afterward and would swear he would give up drinking and sometimes he would go months without drinking, but he never really quit and he would never admit he was an alcoholic...because he was not a daily drinker, he only "binged" occasionally. We were married 16 years when I finally decided to divorce him.

The divorce pushed him over the edge and he drank more to numb the pain. He began stalking me. He showed up at my apartment and was caught peeping thru my windows. He showed up at my workplace and watched me work. When he showed up at my place in full uniform, heavily under the influence of alcohol and busted beer bottles in my living room, I called the chief of his police department and reported the incident. Nothing happened to him. I moved to a new house. He broke into my new home, called me at work, from my home phone to tell me he was in my house and it was obvious that he was intoxicated. I called the police department and reported the break in and the vandalism (he smashed my phone to pieces). When the cops arrived he was drunk, sitting on my front porch swing. Instead of arresting him, they drove him home. I had his vehicle towed, the police released it to him without charging him an impound fee. They said he was not in my house when they arrived so they could not charge him with breaking and entering.

There were many more incidents but the final straw was when he would not let me get in my car to leave after an argument over his drinking. I smashed a bottle of whiskey in the driveway in an effort to keep him from drinking anymore that night. He grabbed me by my hair, slung me onto the hood of his police cruiser, injured my shoulder and back....and I lost some hair. Again I called the police to respond for domestic violence, and while I was on the phone with the 911 center, he threw a pair of scissors so hard that they stuck in a kitchen cabinet door. He was gripping the scissors so tightly that he cut his hand and bled on the kitchen floor. When the police officers showed up he claimed he had dropped the whiskey bottle and cut his hand, I was a crazy lying bitch and I refused to leave when he asked me. When I told the sergeant the truth and offered to show him the blood splatters on the kitchen floor, he told me that it was a he said/she said situation and if I insisted on them arresting my husband, then I would probably be arrested for domestic violence as well. I told him to arrest me and I would polygraph my way out of this mess, but he would not get away with covering up for his brother in blue anymore. Rather than arrest him, we were both issued domestic violence orders and  referred to district court. I was allowed to get in my car and leave. He was allowed to scream obscenities while I did so.

That night I decided I would need to fight back with a vengeance. I drove to the 911 center, a center that I supervised for several years, and asked to come in to call the police chief from one of the recorded phone lines. A former employee bent the rules and allowed me to have access to the restricted communications area. I called the police chief and told him what had happened that night. I told him of several other times that I had reported his employee's drunken, abusive behavior and I told him how each time that he and his officers had covered his messes up and never penalized him. When the chief started to give me the run around I told him that he should be aware that I was in the 911 center, on a recorded phone line, and if he failed to act this time I would have a recording of our conversation that I would be sharing with my attorney. This time my ex was disciplined....two weeks suspension WITH pay. We both were issued domestic violence orders but no more incidents occurred. My abuse was finally over.


So yesterday when Kavanaugh launched into his opening statement, yelling, crying and claiming how he had been victimized.....I saw my alcoholic ex.  When the judiciary committee apologized to him and told him what a quality judge he was.....I saw my ex and his fellow police officers covering for him. When I saw Ford's emotional testimony, I related to her....I saw myself.  I felt violated, angry, hurt and raw all over again. 

Then I heard good people saying that there is no way someone would wait so long to tell their story if they were traumatized, that it was merely a political stunt. I wanted to scream and ask them how the hell would they know unless they had lived thru something that horrific and could speak from personal experience. Telling authorities is not a guarantee that you will be believed, assisted, protected or cleared from suspicion. Telling your own sordid life story is hard. Nobody wants to talk about hurtful and demeaning events in their lives. Nobody wants to admit they placed their faith in the wrong hands. Nobody wants to admit they stayed in an abusive relationship or kept secrets about being abused.

I lived thru the nightmare of accusing a law enforcement officer of being abusive. My ex was hired and promoted for over 10 years before his corruption caught up with him....so to claim the background check would have found out about Kav's abuse is bullshit.  The "friends" who wrote letters on his behalf....the brotherhood is taking care of their own.  Ford's memory lapses....the mind compartmentalizes to protect you. I know how the system works and it is not always easy nor favorable for the victim. Coming forward takes courage. Speaking up is hard. Who would use an abuse claim to make headlines for themselves?

 Ford is courageous and I believe her.